welcome to the neighborhood

subtitled:

Why I was beating on the door of #18 and ranting at midnight.

I'm on the board of our condos, and so have occasionally been involved in interviewing prospective buyers.

In June, I interviewed the fellow who bought the unit directly above me.

(anyone care to guess where this is headed?)

He was in his early 20's, and so we repeatedly asked him if he understood that this was a quiet, early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of community.

"oh yes," young man says, "that's what I'm looking for."

OK

We vote young man in.

(ok ... now want to guess? feel free ... )


First some background ... on the first night of the olympics, I was kept awake all night by loud music, pounding feet, and loud-voiced-men in the parking lot.

OK, thinks I, it's one time.

He's having an olympic-watching party ... I'll ignore it.

But ... last night ... around 9:00, I heard the same pounding/music/shouting combination.

And it continued

and continued

and I got hot

and hotter

and hotter

until ... finally, I found myself upstairs, pounding on his door at 11:30.

Music stops, but door does not open.

No problem ... I can make myself heard -- door or no door.

"You agreed to a 10:00 quiet hour when you bought this place. I expect you to abide by your agreement."

Stomp downstairs, bathrobe flying behind me. Feet may or may not have been making sparks as they struck the ground ...

Music resumes. Pounding resumes. Shouting resumes.

Stomp upstairs, with fire in my eyes.

Louder pounding-on-#18-door.

(repeat first statement) followed by, "I won't come up here again. I'll just call the police."

Music stops. Pounding stops.

However, loud talking continues, out in the parking lot, until 2:00 a.m.

OK. It's an improvement ...I'll live with the loud talking, though I still think it's incredibly rude ...

But I'm now kicking myself for voting "yes" on this guy. :(

Addendum ...

I waited until 10:30, and gave him a call.

He responded very well, and seemed to (or pretended to!) understand the issue.

I tried to practice "love thinks the best" (see post on 1 Cor. 13), and suggested that maybe his friends were not overly concerned about the neighbors, because they weren't THEIR neighbors, but that I was sure he would understand the situation and keep them under control in the future.

I put on an "older neighbor who wants to like you, but also expects a certain standard of behavior" manner. That whole "taking charge" thing is not something I'm particularly good at, so I think God helped me strike a balance between firm and friendly.

Whew ... back to house cleaning. Dirt is so much easier to understand than people!

another fun project from Grandma and Grandpa's house

I was also given this clock:


I know ... it's in pretty bad shape! But my friend T. has built clocks from kits, and was interested in trying to get it working for me. So she's been taking it apart and cleaning it.

I thought I'd post a few pictures, so you could enjoy the progress with me!

Here is what it looks like with the face removed ... also before any work was done on it (though we may have vacuumed out the mouse turds at this point. :)

This is the identifying label on the back.

And here is how it looks as of today. She's taken the works out, cleaned and oiled them, and started cleaning the case in preparation to re-glue it. We need to find a source to purchase the glass bezel for the face, and that appears to be the biggest obstacle at this point.

interesting how they phrase things

From this Yahoo News article today (about Barak Obama):

E-mails and videos circulating on the Internet criticized him for attending a church that promoted black culture ...

Oh really? Is that what they criticize him for? "attending a church that promoted black culture"?

This type of rhetoric from Barak's pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is ... apparently ... simply "promoting black culture."

— In a sermon after the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001:

"We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki, and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye," Wright said. "We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America's chickens are coming home to roost."

— In a 2003 sermon, he said blacks should condemn the United States:

"The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, God damn America, that's in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme."

It is I for whom Scotch Guard was invented ...

Two or three weeks ago, I got some new furniture. I'd been shopping for several years, and never found that perfect combination of "I like this", "I can afford this" and "this is short enough I can touch the ground when I sit down".

I found a set on clearance that fit all three criteria, and at the same time had a pretty bench re-upholstered that I was given from my grandparents' house. (Pictures included for those who care!).




So ... how does this post relate to your subject line, you may ask? (or if you know me, you may not NEED to ask.)

When buying the furniture, I was faced with the question of whether to have the Scotch Guard applied before I brought it home.

I went back and forth in my mind about it, as I was already spending all I had budgeted. But I finally decided to do it.

So ... this morning ... I've already had opportunity to be thankful for that choice.

It's amazing how easily "clutzy" can creep in!

I had a cup of coffee sitting on the end table, and pulled the cord to open the mini-blinds, and ... "plop" ... the end of the blind cord lands in my coffee cup, splattering coffee everywhere.

I startle, pull the cord out and lay it on the table ... and "plop" ... the other cord falls out of my hand and does the same thing.

Everything cleaned up beautifully, and I've realized how thankful I am for modern chemistry. :)

Detroit

My perception of the city has been epitomized in the behavior of its mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick.

To those who live there, and are of a different character ... please accept my sympathies and apologies for mentally including you in this characterization!

what we ARE decides how we react

While I was swimming yesterday afternoon, I was praying about the best way to approach a tricky inter-personal situation - specifically what response would show love to the individuals involved.

I decided to read through 1 Corinthians 13 (the chapter dealing with love), and see how it applied.

On first reading, I was a little frustrated. This talks so much about what to BE, and so little about what to DO.

Then my next thought was ... what we ARE is absolutely foundational to what we do.

When I read through again, there seemed to be so much there that DID pertain to how I should react.

Here's some of my thoughts as I read through it:

1 Corinthians 13:
4 Love is patient
Iit's quite easy to be very patient with my own failings ... but I need to exercise that same patience with others. God is working in their lives, and who am I to decide He's not dealing with them fast enough, or in the areas I think he should?),

love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
(am I seeking the other people's best in this situation? Or just concerned because it's bothering ME? Do I think I'm "above" struggling with this issue?)

5 does not act unbecomingly;
(even if they are acting unbecomingly, or rudely, responding to them that way is not loving)


it does not seek its own,
(in desiring this situation to be rectified, I shouldn't have my own interests as part of the motivation)

is not provoked,
(is it irritating me? it shouldn't be!)

does not take into account a wrong suffered, (in some versions, this is written "thinketh no evil" or "thinks the best")
(am I concerned about some offense toward myself? it's God's job to deal with that, not mine! I want to choose to put the best possible spin on any situation -- rather than choosing to think the worst.)

6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
(put up with the situation, trusting that good will come, and God will use it for good ... more than that ... rejoicing in the knowledge that God promises to "work all things together for good.")

have I ever told you about this great formula?

In the "Tightwad Gazette" books, Amy Daczyn shares this wonderful formula to get stains out of fabric.

I used it on a pair of white shorts I wore hiking in Yosemite (don't even talk about the wisdom of that choice), and it got them clean -- years after I stained them.

Get a five gallon bucket
put in
1 cup chlorox 2
1 cup cascade dishwasher powder soap

add a bit of hot water and mix it up.

Put in the stained clothes, and fill the bucket the rest of the way. Mix it again, and let it sit overnight, then wash the clothes.

It's amazing the stuff it will get clean!

Democratic National Convention Schedule

6:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
6:05 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N.
6:15 PM - Secular Prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
6:30 PM - Antiwar Concert by Barbara Streisand
6:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
7:00 PM - Tribute to France
7:10 PM - Collect Offerings for al-Zawahri Defense Fund
7:25 PM - Tribute to Germany
7:45 PM - Antiwar Rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:25 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
8:30 PM - Terrorist Appeasement Workshop
9:00 PM - Roundtable Discussion of Taxes: "Calling for Higher Taxes on Others While You Pay None"
9:15 PM - Bill & Hillary Clinton Host a Seminar on "The Successful Selling of White House & Air Force One Mementos on eBay"
9:20 PM - Gay Marriage Ceremony (Both Male and Female Couples)
9:30 PM - * Intermission * Special Guest Soloist Jane Fonda
10:00 PM - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10 PM - Reenactment of Kerry's Fake Medal Toss
10:20 PM - Howard Dean Screamfest 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30 PM - Seminar: "The Boy Scouts and Other Paramilitary threats to National Security"
10:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
10:45 PM - Abortion Demonstration (NARAL)
11:00 PM - Multiple Gay Marriage Ceremony (Threesomes, Mixed and Same-Sex)
11:15 PM - 'Maximizing Welfare' Workshop
11:30 PM - 'Free Saddam' Pep Rally
11:50 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
12:00 AM - Kerry-Edwards 2004 Sealed With A Kiss
12:01 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
12:02 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast

awww shoot

Nothing spoils a delightfully-productive day like spilling a half-bottle of furniture polish on the floor.

sometimes ebay makes so little sense ...

I have some books up for sale.

With over a day still to go, a 1985 soft cover copy of Pilgrim's Progress is going for $3.25 (plus shipping).

Two people are bidding back and forth over it like crazy.

I almost didn't put it up for sale at all, because it's so unremarkable an edition. Plus there are about a million copies of Pilgrim's Progress for sale ... it's available anywhere, including for free download online.

It just makes no sense.

But I'm happy to take their money. :)

It IS a great book, by the way ... if you haven't read it, you should! (but don't pay $3.25 for a ratty old paperback!)

old saddle - finished!

Here is how it turned out. Many thanks to my dad for his machine-shop magic in getting the stirrups cleaned up. It was neat that they were dated - one in 1936 and one in 1937.

The flaps over the stirrup buckles still stick up more than I'd like, but I'm going to keep using Denise's suggestion to drape weights over them, in hopes they'll flatten a bit more.

not a bee at all

I did some looking online, and found this "bee hawk moth", which looks like our little friend from last night. They're native to the U.K., but it sure looks like we've got a population of them here in G.R. as well.

what manner of bee is this?

I went out to Meijer Gardens with some friends tonight, and we saw this most unusual bee. He was fuzzy and colored like a bumble-bee, but longer, and looked almost like a hummingbird in the way he flew.

Anyone know anything about the little guy? We're intrigued ...

some nice surprises yesterday

First, thank you to Trixie at Farm Home Life. I entered a give-away on her blog, and won a $25 Walmart Gift Card. She sent her readers over here to visit, and I wanted to welcome them today. :)

Yesterday, I had my kayak out and drifted up to a little family of ducks. There was a momma and two half-grown babies. I was able to get within 6 feet of them, and they didn't seem at all concerned. We were near the shore of the gravel pit, and they were feeling free to nibble at bottom-of-the-water tidbits while I was there. It was quite a delight.

a good reminder to look at life through these glasses

why I'm not interested in having my own business ...

I just sold some books on ebay.

I made $35

I spent $41 in shipping.

UGH!

Every time I sell something to someone in Canada, the USPS online international postage calculator leads me astray! I had two packages heading for western Canada. It said they could each go priority for $10, which is what I charged the buyers. One was $17, and the other $18.

This is my irritated look! I just paid $5 to sell 4 books.

No more Canadians for me!

Barnabas

As you may have guessed from the lack of robin pictures, my chicks have flown the coop. I raised the blind on my balcony Friday morning, and they flew away. I've gotten the nest torn down, and the porch cleaned up, and am able to enjoy my coffee out there in the morning now without irritating the tenants.

We had such a wonderful preach Sunday morning on Barnabas. He is one of my favorite people in the Bible.

Barnabas wasn't his real name, you see. It was a nickname. It means "son of encouragement." The other Christians saw him as being an encouragement and support, so much so that they changed his name.

When the apostle Paul became a Christian, the others were all afraid of him. Before he had been a murderer - hunting down Christians and killing them, and putting them in jail. Then all of a sudden, he comes around pretending to believe ... nobody bought it. Except, of course, Barnabas. The Bible says Barnabas "took him up". He vouched for him, and recommended him to the others.

Then, later, Paul and Barnabas were traveling together with Barnabas' nephew John Mark. They got into a disagreement about whether Mark should continue on the journey, because he had failed them previously. Barnabas vouched for him, "took him up" again, to the point where Barnabas and Mark continued on separately. And Barnabas's support changed Mark, to the degree that later, Paul, in one of his final letters, asked Mark to come and join him, because he was useful in the ministry.

We don't know a lot about Barney. He is shown as a preacher, but quickly his role seems to diminish into a support and help to the others.

That is the role I've always loved ... being an encouragement to the people who are out in front, doing the big stuff. I love Barnabas, because I want to BE a Barnabas.

Have you seen The Lord of the Rings series? Remember Sam Gamgee? He was my favorite ... quietly in the background, supporting Frodo in doing the impossible.

I was reading tonight in Spurgeon sermons to see what he had to say about Barnabas, and I liked this quote very well:

Many who have believed through grace also need help by way of consolation. You would be astonished if you knew the large number of believers in Christ who are tempted to doubt, despondency, and distress of mind. In the present congregation there are a number of persons depressed in spirit, who can hardly look up, who will judge, when I am speaking, that I am referring to them; and I must confess that I am thinking of them, and do very often think about them, and long to see them come forth from their present gloom. It is a great joy to me if I can help them at all by describing my own experience of down-casting and up-lifting. These bruised and broken ones need binding up. Brothers, if you are like Barnabas, “sons of consolation,” be not slack in your blessed service! O ye spiritual men, trained in the school of sorrow, put forth your best endeavors to minister to minds diseased. Pour in the oil and wine of the gospel wherever there is a wound gaping and bleeding. A word fitly spoken, a promise seasonably quoted, may help much those who have believed through grace.

There will probably be more about this to follow!

an email forward that was actually new to me (and funny!)

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The platform is much more stable and will never ever, ever reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

robins, day 11

blogging about blogging ...

I was thinking today about why I enjoy doing this ... typing up little thoughts that may or may not ever get read by anyone at all!

Really, it's kind of vain, isn't it? Thinking folks are interested in the robins hatching on my porch, or the latest goofiness from the condo neat-police.

So, outside of the obvious hubris, what causes me to do this?

Well, there's the fact that it seems to keep me alert to the funny things going on around me. While I'm irritated at the people who came 45 minutes late for the chairs, I can, at the same time, think, "this is great blog material." Speaking of such, have you noticed how long it takes women to pull away from the gas pump? (Women other than me, I mean!) I'm waiting in line, and Barbie gets into her car, puts away her credit card, puts away her receipt, fluffs her hair, puts on her sunglasses, puts on her seatbelt, and THEN pulls away from the pump. We were in the middle of the Costco lot - she had at least 300 empty parking places directly between her and the exit where she could have paused to do this hair-fluffing!)

In contrast to the above example, it makes me look for the positive. If anyone DOES happen to read, I'd hate for my post to drag down their day. I want to put out things that are uplifting, or at least not depressing.

I notice the details more. I love seeing my robins grow, but I probably wouldn't climb up onto the porch furniture and snap a picture of them every day if I weren't posting it here. (incidentally ...note to the lady in the condo downstairs: yelling "be careful" when you see someone precariously perched on a lawn chair on a second floor balcony is NOT helpful.)

It makes up, at least partially, for my miserable correspondence skills (and even MORE miserable telephone skills.) It's keeping me in touch, at least a little bit!

I wish everybody would do it!

what are you looking at

I ran across a lovely post today about how we can choose what we see. Please take a minute and read it - it will change your day!

robins, day 10

even more crowded ... and they're getting VERY vocal when they feel their dinner is delayed.

cranky ...

Yesterday, I gave away a couple chairs. The folks who were picking them up were 45 minutes late, and the phone numbers they gave me didn't work.

So, I had hauled one chair outside my condo door, and the second downstairs onto the front porch, where I was sitting and waiting for them. (I don't let strangers into my house - just doesn't seem safe. I give away a lot of stuff on freecycle, and always just take it down into the lobby for the people who are picking it up.)

No show. No working phone number.

I waited a half hour, and hauled everything back upstairs.

15 minutes later (45 minutes after they had committed to arrive), they rang the doorbell.

I felt, and unfortunately acted, really cranky. Still feeling that weird combination of irritated and guilty-for-being-irritated.

To top it off ... no email this morning thanking me, or apologizing for being late.

robins, day 9

starting to get awfully crowded in that nest.

Progress of work on the old saddle

This is a picture of where we started. I had already vacuumed off the worst of the dirt and cobwebs, but it's still terribly dusty, with bird droppings.



Here it is after two cleanings and some work on getting the rust and corrosion off the metal parts. The irons are on their way to my dad, who said he had a machine at work that would clean the rust off them for me. (Notice my favorite tv show - Monk - playing in the background while I worked). :)




This is where we are today. Last night I gave it one final cleaning and then rubbed in some Equips Saddle Food. A friend (thanks Denise!) recommended both the Equips and using the straps to start training the flaps to lay flat, instead of bending up.



I'll post one final picture when it's done, and the stirrup irons are on again. I've ordered a brass saddle rack to hang it on. (It's sitting on my quilt rack right now!)

Some history of the saddle that I found interesting: my Grandmother's brother Bert was in Germany during WWII, and brought this saddle back with him. As far as I can tell, it hasn't been used much - either before or after its journey across the Atlantic!

As I was cleaning it, I discovered some stamping on the cantle that confirmed (along with some research I did online) that it had been a Nazi cavelry saddle. But I figure 60+ years languishing away in the barn has purged it of its sordid past, and I can enjoy the beauty of it and its family connections. :) (I tweaked the color and contrast on the stamp picture to make it show up better - the color of the leather is a bit "off" in that picture because of that.)

robins, day 7

robins, day 5

Big difference between day 4 and day 5! Eyes and beaks are open, and they look more like birds than deformed earthworms. :)

the sad story of the Dremel

I moved into my condo five years ago. At that time, there were many home improvement projects facing me, and one of the tools I thought might be helpful was a Dremel.

So I bought one. Paid a good bit for it, too.

And it's never been out of its case.

This disuse wasn't due to a lack of NEED for the Dremel - on the contrary, there were many projects for which it would have been ideal.

"So," you may ask, "why haven't you used it?"

"Because I read the instructions when I bought it, silly," would be my answer.

You see, if I were to sum up the first few pages of the instructions, it would look something like this:

If you use this tool, it will blind, maim or kill you.

So, you see, I've never touched it. Instead, when I go into my basement storage room, I throw side-long glances at its case, in fear that it will jump down off the shelf and try to bludgeon me when my back is turned.

But ... remember that old saddle I posted about? Well, it has some metal rings and fittings that are just crying out for a Dremel.

No, no. I haven't USED the Dremel.

But I did successfully bring it up from the basement. That's SOMETHING, isn't it?

robins, day 4

There are a few more feathers starting to appear, but their eyes haven't opened yet.

robins, day 3

Robins, day 2

Had a nice time after work today. I found a township park right by where I work. I took my kayak out on the park's lake, and had such a nice paddle before I came home. Hope to do that more often!

Robins ... still ugly. :)

these things do get me thinking

I can see that these quotes are going to prove to be a real source of blog fodder!

Today's: "I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street." - Virginia Woolf

Isn't that the truth. The loss of someone by death is horrible, but it's final and definite. You know what happened.

Then there are friendships that just fade into the sunset. For whatever reason, communication proves too difficult to maintain. I find myself often fighting tooth & nail to prevent the loss of friendships that are drifting away in that manner. But it seems that if it's going to happen, it's going to happen, and maybe it's just better to not fight the process!

some childhood memories

This saddle was in my grandparents' barn, and I remember dusting it off when I was a kid, thinking it was so neat. My grandmother's brother Bert brought it back from World War II.

They've been dealing with the things in the house after my grandpa's death, and I was blessed to receive the saddle yesterday. I'm looking forward to cleaning it up, and getting the leather soft and oiled again. I thought I'd display it in my living room.

Gotta give my neighbors something to wonder about ... I'm sure they're discussing when I'm going to show up with the horse to go with it. :)

newly hatched robins

The chicks hatched some time between last night 5:00 and today at 11:00.

Like the last batch ... they're painfully ugly. :)

Love it!

From the ihasahotdog site:

excellent quote today

I have a google-widget that gives me a new quote every day.

I loved today's:

Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean. - Dag Hammarskjold

things I wish I knew

A blog I read periodically had a post today on things the author wished she knew. It got me thinking along those lines. (surprisingly my list often paralleled hers - we're about the same age, so that may be why.)

It broke down into two categories for me ... things I wished I knew that, in theory, I could learn, and things I wished I knew for which I have no natural aptitude, and very little ability to learn.

The hopeless list first ...

Things I wish I knew for which I have no aptitude:

* Music. I've taken lessons in piano and voice. I've had college classes. I've read. I just don't "get it". There's some fundamental "music section" missing in my brain. I enjoy it, but I know there's a level that other people "get" that I just don't. It's like a color-blind person looking at a garden. They appreciate it, but there's a knowledge of something missing.

* Art. Can't draw. Can't paint. no talent here whatsoever.

Things I don't now, could conceivably learn and would like to know:

* ballroom dancing (how to do it) and ballet (how to appreciate it)

* classic literature - for an English major, there is a great deal I haven't read

* investing - I'm hopeless, but dislike money stuff, so I avoid learning it

* history - I know a great many events, but not the big picture, or dates, and how things interact

* geography - if I don't know someone who's lived there or traveled there, I probably don't know where it is

How about you? Any on your list?

while we wait for the robins

Please visit this amazing site that shows a hummingbird nest as the babies hatch & grow.

fireworks ...

OK kids,

We've established it. You light it. It goes "boom."

I can understand finding it interesting ... once.

But do we need to KEEP lighting them? They are all going to do exactly the same thing.

Really. I promise.

what American car companies just don't get ...

I want to buy American.

I want a hybrid.

I do NOT want an SUV.

Do they make one single car that fits these qualifications?

Nope.

It makes no sense to me to buy an enormous vehicle when I'm usually the only one in it and rarely haul anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

quote of the year

The only difference between Detroit and Third World nations in terms of corruption is that there are no goats in the streets in Detroit.
- Sam Riddle

Yep.

no longer an empty-nester

The robin laid eggs again this weekend. I think only 3 are new. She laid 3 in her first batch, and there were only 2 chicks, so one of the four is one that didn't hatch last time.

I hope, once they hatch, to take a picture every day, so we can watch them grow.

OK ... just one more political post

How would CNN have reported the D-Day invasion?

Have a look.

thoughts on spontaneity

After the last post, thought I should try and put something up that was at least a LITTLE less cynical. (Lest D. see it, be affronted at my over-the-top-right-wingedness, and never read my blog again). :)

I am the world's least spontaneous person. Truly.

Those who know me are completely aware of this, but I was considering yesterday how this quality enters into so many little decisions.

Yesterday in the car, I was in the right lane (of 3), in preparation for an exit about a half mile ahead of me.

I saw several people driving in the left lane, who turned their blinker on, and moved over two lanes to the right, in order to get onto the same exit ramp I was using.

It struck me how foreign that would be to me. The only reason I could envision myself doing this is if I had suddenly realized I was missing my exit.

There was no last-minute-panic going on with these folks. They just didn't bother to move over until they were ready to exit.

I'll bet if someone calls those folks to suggest an evening out that same day, their first response would be "yes, sounds like fun!" I always have to mentally go through my plans for the evening first ... important plans like, "I was planning to water the plants on the balcony and empty the dishwasher," before I'm able to tear myself away from the original schedule and adapt to the new idea.

I'm glad I have spontaneous friends ... otherwise I think I'd turn into one of those little old ladies who "can't go out on Monday, because that's the night I clip my toenails." :)

Bad Trinka! No biscuit!

The Midwest vs. New Orleans ...

Have you seen the pictures from the Midwest floods of the people looting the liquor stores, carrying away televisions from retail stores, sitting on the roof begging for someone to take care of them; collected in the stadium complaining about the food and shelter being provided?



Neither have I.


(stolen from an email forward ... I have no idea who originally wrote it.)

awesome, awesome, AWESOME video

I don't understand the talk about "investing" at the end ... but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the rest of the video!



God changes lives, when we box up the mess, and give it to Him.

Please note - I've been told that links to inappropriate videos are appearing after this one is played. Please hit "stop" just before it ends, so you don't have to deal with them. Sorry about that!

Chick update

I was taking a picture of this little fellow on the side of the nest, and he flew away. His brother is still hunkering down, taking advantage of the free worms.

angry chicks

I went out onto my porch this morning to water the plants. In the process I scared off Mama-Robin, and she flew away before feeding the chicks.

They were ANGRY ... they stood up as tall as they could in the nest, and protested with all their little might. Their little spotted-tummies were all puffed out in indignation. It was quite adorable. Here's a picture of them today, in more sedate moments.



Today is my concealed-carry class. I'm so looking forward to it!

We're not really here

No birds here ... just a pile of feathers ... move along please ... nothing to see here

People are organisms ....

People are organisms strategically placed in our days to remind us why
we are SINGLE!!!!!!!!

I received this one-line email from T. yesterday, just as VBS was making my frustration level reach critical mass. :)

It's not the kids who were making me crazy - it was the ADULTS!

One of the leaders got a letter from a mother who thought her precious little fellow had been "persecuted". Apparently he was trying to "fast" on Wednesday, and we "forced him to eat."

Um ... yeah. The oldest POSSIBLE child we could have had at VBS was 12. A LOT of 12-year-olds choose to fast. And with 280 children in the building, I'm sure we took the time to force-feed the little darling, if he preferred to not eat his lunch!

Sorry ... was that me? Did I say that out loud? Oops!

Just for something a bit more pleasant ... here was a robin picture from last night.

not the most attractive birds I've ever seen ...

I had a good trip home yesterday, even with a two hour delay at my layover.

I was sad to hear that my grandfather passed away Friday night. The visitation will be Tuesday and the funeral Wednesday.

The robins hatched while I was away. They're not very pretty just yet. :)

a sticky experience

I had such an interesting day today. Sunrise and I went and stalked the re-sale shops, looking for deals, and found some nice things.

Then I ran some errands with D., and then tonight, A. came over, and did acupuncture on my ears. It is supposed to help with losing wight. So I'm looking forward to seeing how that works out!

It was a very interesting experience. The needles hurt a little bit going in, but not horribly so. Then I sat with them in for a half hour. It was actually quite a relaxing feeling, if you can believe it. Then she put some little beads on my ears stuck down with tiny round band-aids, and I'm supposed to pinch them periodically.

We'll see what comes of it. :)

a disappointment and a delightful surprise

Today we drove down to Glen Rose, Texas. It's an area that has a lot of dinosaur tracks, and other interesting fossils and such-like.

We discovered online that there was also a creation museum, and were looking forward to seeing it. Their web site looked interesting, and the entrance fee was only $2. We were quite anticipating it, and made it our first stop. It was obvious they had construction going on, and so you expect a certain amount of disorganization.

However ...

The exhibits (which may have been interesting) weren't labeled ... not at all. So you had no idea what you were looking at. We asked the man at the desk if there was a way to know what things were, and he said, "it's all in the video."

There WAS a video playing on the back wall, with a man preaching. But he was dwelling SO long on the theory that the flood was responsible for the conditions that create the perception of an old earth that you lost interest before he ever got to the point where he explained the exhibits.

It could have been interesting ... if only they had typed up a few labels and explanatory paragraphs ... instead, it was just ... well ... kind of pathetic. I hope that it was just a result of the construction, and that if I were to go back again in two years, things would be a trifle more impressive.

The delightful surprise was finding a lovely place to relax at a park there in Glen Rose. There were enormous boulders scattered around a wide, shallow river. It flowed about 10 inches deep over solid rock - so you could walk around, and sit in the water, without walking in mud, or worrying about snakes or creepy crawlies. We spent about 2 hours there, just enjoying the place. There was even a blue heron down-river keeping an eye on us.

By the way, I want to put in a plug for the Answers in Genesis creation museum in Cinncinatti. It is excellent!

enjoying my time in Dallas

So far, the time here has been a real treat. I've gotten some great visits with D., and the retreat went very well.

She was speaking on Atonement (becoming one with) God, and Atonement with Others. So we got some great visits about what it means to know God, and forgive those who have wronged us. The ladies who were there seemed to almost all have a lot of hurts in their life, and so it was a blessing that this topic was discussed.

The camp was beautiful, and I really had some great visits, also, with D's friend A., who came along too.

Today, I visited D's church - St. Philips Episcopal. They are a neat congregation - there is a real desire to learn their Bibles, and be involved in missions work. And folks are very friendly. I always enjoy visiting, even though Episcopal worship is QUITE different from what I'm used to. I guess new cultural experiences are always good!

Then this afternoon, I went along with D., and she did a Bible study on the HIV ward of Homeward Bound drug treatment hospital. There were about 7 people attending, and I really enjoyed meeting all of them. One fellow had the neatest comment. We were talking, in general, about how God can restore a person's innocence, but at some point Joshua marching around Jericho was brought up. This fellow mentioned that it was God asking them to have faith in Him, when He had the city conquered by this strange pattern of marching. The man said, "He could have just as well asked them to hop around the city on one leg, wearing a chicken mask." The image just popped into my mind of this big army hopping, with chicken-heads. I think I won't ever read Joshua 2 again without remembering that! :)

Tomorrow we have a surprise planned for D.'s friend Sunrise. She has been wanting a shed built in her back yard, and has the foundation started. We're hoping to buy some lumber and build the floor supports while she's at work.

Hope your day was a good one!

ahhh ... vacation

I had a good flight down to Dallas yesterday. Why are airports so kind to me when they're so nasty to others? :) I arrived 10 minutes early, and enjoyed basking in the sun until D. arrived to pick me up.

It has been a blessing to have a good, long visit with her already. She's been to a program called Pathways that has been a blessing to her, and I've appreciated hearing how God has used it.

Some neat plans on the horizon for this ten days ...

• A ladies' retreat where D. will be speaking
• Bungee jumping (hush mom ... just pretend you didn't read that line) :)
• Visiting the Bible study that D. does in an indigent HIV ward on Sunday afternoons
• Some Goodwill shopping ... I just love scrounging for bargains.
• Maybe a floating-down-the-river-on-an-inner-tube afternoon
• (If I decide I can stay awake long enough), going to observe the work being done with the Dallas Prostitute Initiative. This is a wonderful program where they reach out to these ladies, and instead of just arresting them, help them get drug treatment, and job and housing help. Though it runs from 11:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. ... so I want to be sure I can stay conscious, if I DO go. :)
  

Robins-to-be

There has been a robin sitting on eggs on my porch. Today I took my camera out and held it up over the top of the nest and snapped a picture.

Looks like there are three potential bird-lets up there. :)

Things went fine in the nursery yesterday ... nobody died, and there was a nice grandma-type lady who took responsibility for anyone who cried.

I'm leaving Wednesday for vacation! Yippeee!

a picture for Kristen

I tried taking a picture today to show the highlights she put in my hair. I'm afraid it doesn't show up very well ... but it was the best I can do. Remember that any fashion choice I make must have "subtle" as one of the key adjectives, so even in person, most people can't quite figure out what's different. :)

more violets, and a persistent robin

I think these grow lights were well worth what I paid for them. :) My persevering robin is back, and has re-built his nest. I hope this one makes it -- I don't mind doing a little extra cleaning to be able to watch some babies grow!

a bit of stretching ...

I just volunteered to work in the nursery at church one Sunday/month.

Everyone who knows me just went into shock. :) I'm not good with children. I didn't "play" well when I WAS a child, let alone now. I was figuring it out yesterday, and it has been almost 20 years since I last changed a diaper. Babies tend to cry when they see me. But I'm going to give it a try, and see how it goes.

It seems like it's always the same people doing all the work in the nursery, and I ought to at least attempt to help out before deciding I'd be a miserable failure at it.

So ... if you plan to visit ...you might not want to bring small children on the 4th Sunday of the month, just to be safe. :)

My nieces seem to like me. I'm holding on to that as my one straw of hope that I might be able to serve without seriously traumatizing any of our little ones!

what twelve activities do you most enjoy?

A friend asked me this question today, and I found it very enjoyable putting my answer together.

Here's what I came up with!

1. watching the sun set or rise
2. training a dog or horse
3. learning a new skill or subject
4. conversations with trusted friends about what's happening with our hearts and souls
5. encouraging someone who's hurting
6. reading a riveting book
7. editing
8. cleaning / organizing / getting rid of un-needed stuff
9. travel to interesting places with non-stressful companions
10.watching a thunderstorm
11. finding bargains at thrift stores or garage sales
12. wandering museums

Give it a try, and leave your answer in the comments -- what 12 activities do you most enjoy?

a little light-headed ...

I had my hair highlighted last night, and she put a little bit of red in it too. (I love red hair.)

So now I've become horribly-vain-woman and keep looking in mirrors at my hair. :)

Unreasonably proud of this

The gun class last night was great! There were only 4 of us, and the teacher had a nice balance of making things very basic without talking down to us.

He set out all different kinds of hand-guns and explained how they worked, showed us how to hold them properly, load and unload them, and told us there was no live ammunition in the room.

Then he would use dummy bullets, and hand us each a gun, and ask us if it was loaded or not.

It was a very good experience -- gave me a lot of confidence that I understand how they work, and can handle them safely.

And I discovered in the end-of-class practice session that I really enjoy shooting. I brought my target home, and am quite proud of how I did! :) (Though I'm NOT proud of the fact I can't figure out how to rotate a picture on a Mac. Grrrr!!!! ... I can do it in a half dozen different programs and fashions on a PC. There's an obvious educational deficiency waiting to be addressed! The bottom of the target is actually on the right of the above picture.

The teacher said that if I practiced between now and then, I shouldn't have any problem with the CCW class, so I'm looking forward to that also!

Of course, the untold story of the target picture is that the instructor was really setting us up for success on our first try. He only put the targets about 10 feet away. :) But, it gave me the opportunity to try it, and I could see how I can improve with practice.

I just love learning new things. I wish I could make a living taking classes. :)

another idea I've been mulling ....

As we continue to try & get our T-1 line working. (The process has been a demonstration of inefficiency by two phone companies who shall remain nameless ... or not ... AT&T/TDS).

Someone mentioned that incompetent people don't KNOW they're incompetent ... that the set of skills necessary to BE competent is the same set of skills necessary to recognize incompetence.

It explains a lot, actually.

And ... if you think about it long enough ... can be a tad bit scary.

I mean ... what IF people are following behind you and kindly re-doing all your work after you go home at night? And you're going blissfully along, thinking everything is running well by your own efforts?

go ahead ... think about it for a while ... :)

the benefits of being a worry-prone person

The other day, a friend shared a thought from a book she was reading.

If a person is prone to worry, they already have cultivated the skills needed to meditate on Scripture.

I've thought about that a lot.

Worriers take a situation and turn and twist it in their minds, examining it like a favorite treasure. They disassemble and reassemble it in every conceivable way.

That's what meditation is (the Christian version anyway!) ... taking a passage of Scripture, and mulling it over, examining the word choices and themes, thinking about why one thing was said and not another, looking at connections with other passages, etc.

One ... worry ... tears a person's mind apart, and profits nothing.

The other ... meditation ... builds faith and a strong mind, and profits much.

I know which I'd prefer to pursue!

Macintosh!!!

Can't print ... can't edit the calendar ... spotlight doesn't work ...

but hey ... the graphics are downright snazzy ...

a new ear-worm

Ear worms are those songs that get stuck in your head and won't leave.

This morning's? "How Much is that Doggie in the Window". It won't leave! UGH!

It's at least a nice change from the one that usually dogs (pun intended) me ... a local dry cleaner has an advertising jingle they play around Christmas-time to the tune of "Up on the Housetop", and I'm usually still fighting that one well into mid-summer!

spring giddies

It's reached the time where flowers are popping up, birds are everywhere, and it's warm enough to leave windows open, and enjoy having the house smell fresh.

And the spring giddies are rushing at full power.

In every conversation, I find myself, and the other person, mentioning often how nice it is to see the sun. And between those statements, people glance out the windows and sigh.

Last night, I wanted to watch TV, but I didn't want to come inside, so I sat out on my balcony with headphones, and watched my computer. :)

I remember last year in the late winter, I went to visit a friend in Texas. She was inside her church working on something, and I was waiting for her outdoors.

I stretched out on the grass, closed my eyes, and just soaked in the sunshine.

Some ladies came out of the church, and were standing around, trying to decide who was going to walk over and make sure I was OK. :)

Fortunately my friend came out at that point, and told them I wasn't a vagabond, or insane ... I was just a northerner with the spring giddies.

Enjoy it everyone!


And ... did I mention how wonderful it is to see the sun?

earthquake

That was an interesting morning!

Soon after I got up, I heard the building making all kinds of creaky noise, and felt ... well ... strange.

I couldn't figure out what was happening, and it was over almost as soon as it started, but when I heard on the radio this morning we'd had an earthquake, it made perfect sense.

Wish I'd have known what it was, so I could really have paid attention. :)

Trinka

Macintosh update ...

My impressions of the Apple so far:

Shuts down randomly ... no warning

Printers need to be reinstalled occasionally ... no discernible reason

Search function, which once worked great ... gradually finds fewer and fewer of the documents you search for

Software is prettier, and has WAY less functionality than PC

Spell check - you have to change each mis-spelling individually ... there's no "change all" feature for words you commonly misspell, nor is there auto-correct.

Can you tell how impressed I am?

a movie I'm looking forward to seeing this weekend

I saw the trailer for this movie a while back and have really been looking forward to it.

He shows how academia squelches inquiry into the concept of intelligent design in the universe. I think it looks very interesting, and I hope to go tomorrow night.

It's so rare that I go and see a movie in the theater, but this one I've been eager for!

happy violets

I installed some grow lights over my counter last November, and my violets have just started to bloom.

Since nothing has struck me blog-worthy lately, I thought maybe I'd just share some of the flowers. :)

how cute is that!

I saw this on Bob's blog, and thought it was just adorable!

This two-year-old not only knows the Lord's Prayer ... she knows the musical version!

can I borrow a gun?

How fun is it to call and ask someone that question? :)

I've long felt that it was a deficiency in my education that I don't know how to handle guns safely. So when I saw that there's a firing range in Grand Rapids that gives beginners lessons, I thought I might sign up for one.

But you've got to bring your own gun. Not being inclined to purchase armament right now, I called my mother and asked if I could borrow hers.

Some people borrow bread pans and lawn mowers ... in our family, we borrow firearms.

Kind of a strange bunch, I suppose ...

the importance of a sure foundation

I'm afraid my robin's construction efforts have come to naught. Soon after this picture, the nest came crashing down.

I do hope he tries again ... and possibly considers a move slightly to the left, so the curtain rod support will under-gird his efforts!

We had a beautiful sunny day today - with temps in the 70s. It was glorious! Everyone was walking around with the same happy, spring-giddy grin.

a guest on my balcony

I noticed unusual activity outside my sliding door this morning.

When I looked out, I saw a robin had built a nest on the curtain rod I have hanging above the mirror on my patio.

I'm SO going to enjoy watching it, if a female approves of it and moves in to lay eggs!

a weekend in the 80's

Nope, not temperature (unfortunately). :)

I've spent the weekend at home trying to get over a nasty cold that has been hanging on for the last week. (For those who know the church I work for, listen to the recording on the prayer request update for a taste of just how bad my voice has been sounding!)

Trying to feel better, I've been lazying around, watching television - specifically a dvd set of a television show I just loved in high school - Remington Steele.

Not only am I enjoying the trip down memory lane, but it's amazing to me to see how accustomed I've become to the current technology. It still sets me back to watch people hunting for pay phones, using "high tech" computers that look like the old Dictaphone word processor we had in our storeroom when I started at church, and for real luxury, a car phone ... with a cord ... and (in some episodes), a rotary dial.

Haven't accomplished much of substance, obviously, but if a rest was what this cold needed, I certainly gave it. The real test will be when the phones start ringing tomorrow! I feel a LOT better when I haven't had to talk!

things that only make sense early in the morning

Self #1
"I've got a cold, I don't WANT to go to work today."

Self #2
"You've got to. You need to get the bulletin done. Plus, you won't feel any better if you stay home."

Self #1
"Don't WANNNNA get up."

Self #2
"Doesn't really matter what you want, does it?"

Self #1
"Suppose not. But if I'm going, I'm going to wear JEANS."

Self #2
"OK, jeans it is. But good luck trying to explain this reasoning after 5:30 a.m."

there's a crash coming some time today

I tried a new cold medicine last night. And, it worked GREAT. I could breathe, and felt a ton better.

And it had the added benefit that I no longer need sleep.

That's right. None at all.

Coffee's got NOTHING on this stuff.

Guess I won't be taking THAT one in the evening again.

staying home on Easter Sunday

I was torn this morning!

Yesterday, I started coming down with a chest cold, or some-such. I'm not feeling that bad, but I can tell it's time to load up on vitamin c. So I'm faced with the "do I go to church or not" decision.

When it's someone else, I WANT them to stay home when they're feeling sick, so as not to pass it around to others. But when it's ME, I feel lonely wanting to be there.

Somehow, sipping coffee, and keeping company with my computer screen ... just isn't the same.

It's bad enough on a regular Sunday, but today is Easter, and we're having baptisms.

Probably changed my mind 5 times this morning, until it was finally just too late to go, no matter what I decided!!

People in fragile health should be able to go to church without worrying they're going to catch something, and the only way for that to happen is for the rest of us to stay home when we feel buggy. I understand that. But I don't feel bad enough to be glad to be staying home!

Spring-time in Michigan

Day 1 of Spring-time in Michigan ... yesterday

The sun shines, and the only snow still on the ground is the piles left by the plows. I eat lunch in my car with the roof open, enjoying the sunshine.

Day 2 of Spring-time in Michigan ... today

The snow starts mid-morning, and comes like crazy all day. We cancel Good Friday service due to the road conditions.

my brother's blog

My brother left today for his officer training school. I'm thankful he's planning to blog about his time there - if you want to have a look, his blog is here.

And just in case you haven't discovered my sister-in-law's blog, hers is here, so you can follow the family at home also.

Quickbooks worked for me yesterday, with only about a half hour's effort. I was most thankful.

Quirky Quickbooks

I've been using Quickbooks at work for ages. And I love the fact it calculates the payroll taxes for me, prints w-2s. It really does everything I need it to do.

Except ...

The installation process for it is, without fail, a huge hassle.

I don't think I've ever bought a version, or an upgrade, that installed smoothly.

And yesterday's jump from 2005 to 2008 has proved true to form!

I started trying to upgrade at 9:30 yesterday morning, and I STILL can't open the files from the 2005 version.

I'm downloading updates right now, in hopes that will solve the problem.

Hopeful?

Um ... no. Not really.

I'm envisioning that I'm just beginning what will be an on-the-phone-with-tech-support day.

Tuesdays, of course, are the days I normally pay bills and do payroll. I thought by starting to install it yesterday morning I was giving myself plenty of time.

Um ... no. Not really.

Behold the Hat of Supreme Ugliness!

I wear hats to church. I recently bought a lot of 4 off Ebay. Three were quite nice, and the last one was ... well ... this!

You may not be able to tell from the picture, but it is made of silk flower petals, and there are rhinestones embellishing it, as well as the plastic cherries and red netting that you may have noticed.

It's actually quite well made. About 50 years ago, someone, somewhere spent a lot of time making this. Someone else, somewhere, spent a lot of money to buy it.

Amazing, isn't it?

Not good ... not good at all

I am finding people exceptionally irritating today.

The phone has been ringing off the hook, and a higher-than-usual percentage of the calls were people asking me to make another phone call.

For example:

"Could you call and ask Joe ____________"

"Hi Joe, Bob asked me to ask you _________________."

"I'm not sure, did Bob want ___________ or _______________?"

"Hi Bob, Joe wondered if you wanted ________________ or ____________?"

"If __________ then I want ____________, or else, if ___________, then ___________. See which one will take more time, could you?"

etc.

Now ... if it appears obvious to you that Joe & Bob speaking to ONE ANOTHER would be far more efficient? You would be correct.

But, you see, Bob doesn't have Joe's phone number with him, and so ... it's WAY easier to keep dialing my number, which he has on speed dial, and my constant call-backs for further information don't seem to clue him in that this is not the best system.

the house of sleeping

For whatever reason, my phone number seems to draw an inordinate amount of late-night wrong numbers. Normally I just roll over and go back to sleep. (and add them to the phone book as "wrong no." so I don't answer the next time!)

But last night's was most unusual.

Rather than drunken party-goers, last night was a lady asking, "is this the house of prayer?"

Immediately I thought of all the biographies I've read, of great preachers and missionaries, and martyrs, who WOULD have been on their knees, communing with God at that hour of the night.

Hmmmm ... not the house of prayer. I'm afraid it's the house of sleeping.

But I'd like to become more "the house of prayer"!

I didn't add this lady to my "wrong number" list. If she calls again, I think I could use the challenge.

On more mundane matters ... I woke up this morning (way too early thank-you-very-much) with actual motivation. Got to take advantage of it before it wanes, and see if I can get this house clean!

an answer to the fact I don't particularly like any of the potential presidential candidates

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). And while you're at it, take a moment to discover the difference between "lose" and "loose" - you may lose your wallet, in which you had loose change.

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.


9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth. - See what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Cat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of pansies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God save the Queen.